Everyone in Sam Teacher's 2nd grade writing class, please reply to this blog post with your student number, name and a link to your blog URL or domain.
**If you are in Agnes Teacher's 2nd grade writing class, please go to this post instead.
I love your thesis! You take the unpopular position, and I think this will make a compelling essay.
Your narration is good because it starts targeted, focusing on a few small examples. If you could talk about the broader implications, that would help, too. Also, "There were 22 people who were willing to post the majority of their personal information online to share their ideas with another 21 people. " I think is inaccurate. It is 22 people sharing their ideas with the entire internet, isn't it?
"However, it cannot be understood how a pseudonym is different from being anonymous." You need to defend this statement very strongly, because it seems counter intuitive. Mark Twain is a pseudonym, but he is hardly anonymous.
Your concession seems difficult to believe, too. Very often people ARE attacking the author of comments or videos, not the content. It will take some compelling evidence to make your reader believe everyone is simply engaging in heated academic debate about just ideas, not ad hominem attacks,.
The majority of your essay is based on opinions, not research, as you mentioned in your evaluation. There are several other techniques to dealing with trolls used by certain websites. Some use IP tracking systems to ban offensive people, some have an actual staff of people that filter out offensive comments, some times boards can democratically vote a comment out. Perhaps those alternatives to banning anonymity are worth discussing?
You are lacking a thesis statement. Remember, this is the most important sentence in your essay, so make a thesis statement!
Your narration and introduction blend together. Remember, they are two distinct parts of the essay.
In many places your tone is very combative, like you are trying to start a fight. You are trying to persuade people with logic and evidence, not threats. "However, as I mentioned before, if real Koreans, there would be nobody that raises objectives to my opinion." For example, this argument is not based on evidence and is not reasonable.
Right now your piece barely reflects the classical argument. Please review the structure of the classical argument, the thesis statement and spend more time researching this topic from reliable sources to write your second draft.
Rationale or advice: You have a good single post, and you make a good point, "Maybe I need to specify the topic a bit." This is part of the reason why we research - to learn what we need to know.
Wow! Epic introduction! I love your first paragraph.
Your narration is good, too, but a bit narrow. You describe the disease brilliantly. But what about the larger social impact? Have you thoroughly explained how the black plague set the stage for the renaissance your thesis hints at?
Your confirmation is definitely the weakest part of your essay. You'll need to expand this section with relevant, reliable research and further explanation behind the concepts.
You've chosen a really interesting topic. If you add more credible research and use facts instead of your opinion and assumptions to support your thesis you will have a very strong, interesting persuasive essay.
Your language is very confusing, in some places. Get friends to peer review your piece, or bring it to me if you would like additional corrections.
Where is your thesis?
You make a lot of assumptions - In a persuasive essay, you need facts and logic to support your thesis.
"Many famous crimes become the movie or drama." -Example?
"in the real world, the crime's rates are increasing" -Statistic?
"It's different with the normal people's bias." -What is 'normal people's bias'? What is "normal people"?
"And the criminal's mind is also filled with the guilty and the frightened." -How do you know? Source?
Your confirmation is almost entirely based on opinions. Research!
Where is your thesis? Remember, the thesis is the most important part of your essay.
You have written a good research paper, but I don't think this is a persuasive essay. Start by building a strong thesis - What do you want to persuade your readers about? Then restructure your essay based around that idea.
Your intro and narration make a lot of assumptions with no research, but you've got a great thesis. Add relevant and interesting research.
Your confirmation is very strong. Focus on correcting grammar.
Your refutation is underdeveloped. Spend more time expanding the ideas about why people would disagree with you, and why they're wrong. Is there any research or examples to support those ideas?
Your conclusion mentions the implications of your argument a little bit (People can harm their self esteem) but you need to spend more time explaining why this issue is important.
Great introduction. Interesting, engaging, meaningful.
"According to a research done by GlobalWebIndex, 56% of internet users feel unsafe globally because of the fact that their anonymity is not guaranteed, and 26% of the users make use of various privacy tools like history erasers to stay hidden. This shows the growing awareness of the people towards the dangers of internet, and their desire to not expose themselves to the ever-existing cyber- predators"
Or it means people are trying to hide their own behavior.
Your introduction and narration blend together and become a little repetitive. Try to condense your narration into one or two factual points with less personal narration.
It sounds like your arguing that we should allow anonymity to protect people from having their identity stolen... so are you proposing that all personal internet behavior (Like shopping or banking) be restricted? My point is, how can you shop online without revealing your identity when you pay?
Your refutation is good too, but let me suggest a stronger counter argument: There are already laws in place (At least in America) to combat anonymous internet crime (Like bullying or stalking).
Your thesis is not very debatable - Everyone agrees, some people do follow trends. Can you think of a topic that people would argue about? Maybe, "EVERYONE follows trends."
Trend consumption psychology and the band wagon effect are very important to your essay. Make sure you're explaining them very clearly. Especially the beginning of your narration needs to be more clear and specific.
Your essay needs three things - A persuasive topic that people can argue about, and second, you need the implications of your topic. If people follow trends, so what? Why do we care? Why does it matter? Third, where is your research? Sources? Evidence?
You've chosen a controversial and unique thesis. Good job! I think you should reword it to reflect your idea better. "Amazing" can refer to bad stuff, too. So serial killers and their brains are still amazing. Maybe you mean that human brains are amazing but sometimes do terrible things?
Where is your narration?
Why is recognizing facial expressions important?
Your refutation seems narrow minded. I can think of a dozen other counterarguments to your position. Mainly, even with imperfections, the human brain is still the most powerful computing device in existence, its operation is largely a mystery, and somehow the physical mass of grey tissue in your head makes a unique person.... That seems pretty amazing to me, even if that person is a psychopath.
It will be easier to defend your thesis if you change it to "The plague is scarier than cholera". Be careful though, this is a very subjective opinion and difficult to prove. Also, there is no implication. I mean, it does not matter if it is true or not. Spend some time trying to think of a stronger thesis with real world implications.
In your narration, why don't you describe the endemics in more detail? It would be very interesting to read and give the reader a better idea of how scary the diseases are.
The "body" is not part of a classical argument. You also are very obviously plagiarizing. You must fix this by your second draft.
Your research posts are more like notes. Research posts should come from a source and your thoughts about a source. I LOVE your notes and graphic organizers, but they are not what the research calls for. Please double check the grading requirements and the sample research posts.
"there is no accurate method to shed light on the profound process of human behavior" Is a dubious claim. There are researchers who specialize in this area. You will need to mention them in your narration.
Your narration is good - It does a good job giving readers the fundamental knowledge needed to understand the rest of your essay.
" Also, think of your daily life. From getting up and eating to sleeping, most behaviors start very momentarily by the feeling of your body without reflection. It is because, emotions operate directly and primarily to influence on human before the operation of reason. Imagine your morning. Before getting up, sense of fullness that you slept enough or fear that you might get scolded later if you don't get up now come to you and make your eyes open." ^Can you find a real research example that studied that idea? It will be a lot more compelling than just telling your reader to imagine it.
You mention the implications of this - Civilizations make bad decisions based on emotion - very briefly. Can you expand this idea, and maybe leave the reader with a suggestion for how to go forward in life with this new knowledge?
Really good job! I'm giving you two points. Your refutation and concession are very strong. You need to make sure you are using and citing sources from your research. Your grammar is also hurting your essay. Read over your essay a few more times, maybe read it out loud, and try to fix all the mistakes you can. IMPORTANT: Currently, you are plagiarizing from persuasivelitigator.com. You need to fix this ASAP.
First Draft 1 Point - You have all the parts of a classical argument, but your topic is not persuasive, it is just informative.
Please review the thesis lessons. You're thesis is inappropriate for a persuasive essay. You need to make a debatable statement, and "I agree that he is an altar Portraitist." is not a debatable statement.
In your narration, explain what these term you're using mean. What is an altar portratist? What is surrealism?
Can you explain why this is a significant issue? Why does it matter if Bosch is considered an altar painter or a surrrealist?
This is a really interesting start. I like your introduction and narration. In the narration, I think you should explain how language helps humans survive, though. Like, why does language make hunting, and therefore survival, easier? Also, you need legitimate sources to support your thesis. Research! Last, but IMPORTANT you are currently plagiarizing. Fix it before the second draft, please.
A lot of your essay is plagiarized. Focus on properly citing your work. Also, what are the implications of this argument? If human beings are evolving... What does that mean? Why should we care? This belongs in the narration.
Your introduction's organization is strange... You start describing why people DO need protection from the internet, then your thesis is people DO NOT need protection. Keep your arguments and tone consistent.
Your narration seems like part of the confirmation, too. It is just arguments supporting your thesis. Your narration should be give background information about the topic for the reader to understand it better.
Your confirmation has no support from reliable sources.
Good start, but you really need to review the classical argument to make sure your essay matches it.
You're right, your essay does need a lot of grammatical improvement before the second draft. However, you've chosen a very interesting topic, and I think you'll have a very strong essay if you finish this piece. Please review the classical argument, and make sure you have all 5 parts. Currently your conclusion and refutation are combined. I think your narration is actually your strongest part, because when you tell us about all the problems with safety in the Korean past it makes it very clear WHY this is an important topic.
Because I can see you've spent time researching and exploring this idea, I am giving you 2 points for your first draft. However, you have a lot of room for improvement in the second draft. Spend extra time checking the logical strength between your arguments.
Your thesis is too broad. "Classical music has an effect on humans." No one can debate this point, and no one would disagree, so it is not appropriate for a persuasive argument. Be specific - What kind of effect?
Your confirmation is strong. You have lots of good sources to support your claims.
Your refutation is very weak. A disabled person is not a good example of people in general. Try to find some broader counterarguments to your position (It is easy to find them).
Where is your thesis? A thesis will be a statement about your topic. You only have questions!
In your narration, instead of describing SNS, describe SNS and diplomacy, their relationship. How has SNS affected diplomacy? How have diplomats used SNS?
Your essay is based on your opinions, not actual research. Find evidence to support your thesis. I recommend making your thesis more specific, too. What form of SNS is best for diplomacy? What type of diplomacy is best for SNS?
How can information on the internet harm you? I don't understand that part of your introduction.
Children being bullied is a serious issue, but it doesn't match your thesis. That is not information hurting people, that is other people hurting people.
Your examples of people suffering internet attacks are interesting, but they need more context. Who was this business man that was attacked? What's your source?
Your examples of Harris and Klebold and the abortion doctors are good, but they deserve their own paragraphs. Also, are you saying Harris and Klebold committed murders BECAUSE of the internet? Explain your reasoning, please.
"Moreover, one of the biggest reasons for the increase of sexual abuse is that internet users are exposed to unwanted sexual information, such as sexual solicitation, pornography, etc. " Do you have any evidence for this?
This is a well researched and interesting essay. You have some persuasive examples arguing for regulation, too. I recommend focusing on ONE aspect of internet regulation, though. Fighting bullies, rumors, violence, identity theft - One of those, not all of them. It will make it easier to make a strongly compelling case.
Your introduction should flow more naturally into your thesis. You start with many questions and uncertainties, then make a strong conclusion in your thesis statement. Your introduction should prepare the reader to hear your thesis.
Good narration - I like the background on lie detectors. It would be really interesting if you talked a bit about some of the phonies who claimed they could detect criminals through things like palm-reading or hand-writing. Just an idea.
GREAT confirmation - A lot of detailed research and thorough explanation.
Your refutations can be improved. You chose good counterarguments to your position, but you don't tell us why those counterarguments are wrong. Can you calculate how much repeat offending criminals cost? I assume Korea spends a lot more than 2,000,000$ on them.
Great thesis! It is clear, interesting and debatable. Your introduction is very informal, though. Reread the introduction instructions and try to make it stronger.
You need to connect your confirmation to your thesis better. How does ability grouping affect happiness? How does standardized testing relate to ability grouping? Is your essay about student happiness or ability grouping or what? You need to focus on one of these points to write a very strong essay.
Great start. Focus on targeting your essay towards supporting your thesis, and it will be very strong.
Do you think anyone will disagree with your thesis? I think everyone will agree with your thesis, which means it is hard to write a persuasive essay about it. Can you talk specifically about a certain part of the internet that is good at sharing culture? Maybe, "Youtube is the best online platform for sharing culture," or something like that. Also, what is the implication of your thesis? Why does it matter if the internet is good at sharing culture or not? Or you could write specifically about the Connecting Classroom programs: "Connecting Classrooms is a successful model for sharing culture online."
Right now your essay is not following the classical argument format, and it is not written on a persuasive topic. You'll need to do a lot of work for the second draft.
This is an ambitious thesis! I'm curious to see your confirmation...
Where is your narration?
Is the Descartes argument that anything I can imagine is true? For example, I can imagine I am a giraffe that knows how to skateboard, but, sadly, that is not true
You use these terms like "mind-body dualism" and "physicalism". What are those? Explain them in your narration, and any research or common popular ideas about them.
You do a good job taking a metaphysical discussion and applying physical measures and research to it. I think you need to discuss the implications of this argument for your essay to become more powerful. If the mind and body are distinct, so what? How does that change our lives?
Your narration is insufficient. Tell us about who uses SNS, why they use it, what other research says about SNS and loneliness.
Your first confirmation point is not unique to SNS. Doesn't the same thing happen in face to face life?
" "human trafficking is serious in xx city!" "Prostitution of children happen in xx school.." Why is this false?
Your refutation doesn't have support. After using SNS, people feel more lonely in the real world? Do you have evidence?
Why does failed communication make you lonely? Why does comparing yourself with others make you lonely? You need to connect these ideas to your thesis OR modify your thesis. Focus on one of these ideas - Comparison with others or loneliness. They're different ideas, and it is difficult to defend two ideas in one essay.
Good narration - Explains why the issue is important, and proves that there is a problem.
I think this is a strong essay. Here is some advice: Most of your evidence is about the media's influence on purchasing, but one of your examples is about women changing their standard of beauty - that is not related to purchasing decisions.
Why is the media influencing purchasing decisions a bad thing? Or, why is it a dangerous thing? Please spend some time discussing why we need a careful eye.
Last, what IS "a critical eye"? What does your advice really mean?
First Draft 1 Point To improve your essay you need to make sure you are using the classical argument format, and that you are supporting your thesis with evidence.
Introduction - Your thesis should be more specific. In what way should the law system be changed?
I don't see your narration - Did you write one?
Confirmation is good, but it is based mostly on your beliefs and claims without support from good sources.
You have found some sources, but they are not useful to your topic, and the "notes" you've taken are just copied from the websites. Please use your own words.
You have a good thesis, but you are missing several key elements of the classical argument. Wheres your concession? Your conclusion is weak. Try to review the conclusion instructions to improve it.
Also, because you use questions and the second person ("You") so much, your essay seems very informal. Please work on improving the formal tone of your essay.
The formatting is so confusing! Your font sizes are different, your colors are different. It makes it very difficult to read. Please make your formatting consistent.
You have no research posts. Please use the model research posts and use your own words and ideas. http://samteachersperformancetest.blogspot.kr/search/label/example
Your narration is very thorough. Add details about modern day education, though. What is modern Korean education? How do we measure effectiveness and satisfaction? (How did Korea get ranked number 2 and 39th?)
The best improvement you can make to your essay is adding research and supporting to details to prove your thesis. Currently you have no convincing evidence.
I like your introduction and narration. You do a good job explaining the history of the registration number, and why it is causing problems.
Your confirmation is based mostly on your opinions, not research. Spend time researching to develop your confirmation.
Your refutation seems weak - The only counterargument you can think of is that people want to recover their password? I'm sure there are stronger, more realistic counterarguments. Try to think of those, and your essay will be stronger for it.
Try to make your introduction match your thesis. Right now, your introduction says, "I don't know if anonymity is good or bad. But internet anonymity is good."
Your narration is interesting. Can you add some examples or research from modern times, though? Specifically, the history of anonymity on the internet, and why that is different than a woman author using a pseudonym?
Try emphasizing why internet anonymity is helpful. Why is posting opinions anonymously valuable? If we take that away, what happens? What is the cost?
Very interesting stuff. In your narration, what year were sabermetrics introduced? What do FIP, BABIP stand for? You can make the real life examples stronger by giving actual statistics. His stats went from what to what?
The weakest part of your essay is your confirmation. You only have one example supporting your thesis. More research!
Your first research post looks interesting, but it is in the wrong format. Please use one source per research post, and please use the example research post as a model: http://samteachersperformancetest.blogspot.kr/search/label/example
You chose a great thesis and a very interesting topic. Your narration needs more information, though. What is the history of e sports? What is the definition of a sport? Who are the organizations arguing that e sports are sports? Who are the opponents?
Your confirmation is entirely based on your opinion. You need research and evidence to support your confirmation.
Your concession is just a summary of your confirmation. Please revisit the instructions on how to write a concession.
In your conclusion (And your introduction or narration) tell us why this matters. Why should anyone care if e sports are labeled as a sport or not?
This is an exciting essay and could be very strong if you develop it in the way I'm suggesting.
This is a really fantastic start. Your narration is strong, and your confirmation is well developed. Now focus on citing your examples and sources so we can see the evidence for your claims. Make sure that you are using reputable sources, too.
For example, "7.http://educationinjapan.wordpress.com/2012/11/22/internet-addiction-hospital-program-in-kanagawa-over-70-patients-were-junior-high-or-high-school-students-most-of-them-boys-internet-addiction-fast-becoming-the-top-problem-of-youths-across-wir/" is just a blog. Find the source this author used, then use that instead.
This is entirely plagiarized. You have no meaningful research on your blog. Your second draft is due Number 16 and you've made almost no progress towards accomplishing that. If you need help, you can ask me, a peer or your Korean teacher.
Where is your narration? You start with a refutation - Please review the structure of a classical argument.
You wrote an interesting and unique essay - Good job. However, instead of asking your reader to read an article, summarize the relevant parts for them and include them in your essay. Also, instead of saying following the tenets of soccer will improve the world, choose one area that the world can improve in and focus on proving that point. your essay will be easier to read and more believable. Personally, I think creating diversity and tolerance is the most compelling argument of yours.
You have a lot of work to do for the second draft, but I think you're making great progress.
I like your thesis and your essay, but it is based on opinions almost entirely. You need support and research to make your argument persuasive. In your concession, instead of talking about parents, why don't you find a group that actually protests music and debate their position?
You've chosen a great topic, and have some great ideas about it, you just need to add the evidence and details that will support your thesis.
I recommend focusing on how the Korean gov't censored music for political reasons. That is interesting and a compelling argument for freedom of expression in music.
Also, some parts are plagiarized. Make sure you fix that by the second draft.
Your introduction is too broad. You discuss crime rates, rapidly expanding technology and freedom of expression. Each one of those could be the topic of an essay. Focus on one idea from the very beginning.
You are currently plagiarizing. Fix this by the second draft.
Your confirmation does not have supporting evidence, and you squeezed your refutation and conclusion together. Separate them, and give each one enough attention.
You have a strong introduction, but your thesis is not very debatable. Nobody thinks language is innate. We all know if you grow up in an English speaking country you speak English, and if you grow up in a Korean speaking country you speak Korean.
I think you're misrepresenting Chomsky's argument slightly... he is not saying that humans possess a language innately, he is saying they possess the ability to learn a language (any language) innately. Is that incompatible with behaviorism? Also, he argues that the ability to learn to speak and understand languages is innate, not the ability to read and write.
Where is your concession?
This is a fascinating piece. Great job. Research Chomsky and Skinner a little bit more, it will benefit your argument. You might need to reconfigure your thesis slightly, but this is a great start. You should be proud.
I think your self evaluation was totally correct. You have a strong grasp of the classical argument, but you lack research and evidence to support your opinion. Use the next 10 days to focus on adding relevant and persuasive research to your essay.
Your confirmation has no research to support your thesis! I think you need evidence that lie detectors are inaccurate. Spend more time researching and incorporating that into your essay.
In your second draft, focus on correcting your grammar and using formal style.
"I think It is valuable to discuss whether the infectious patient have to be returned to their country." But this is a persuasive essay - you need an appropriate thesis.
Where is your narration?
Your confirmation is not related to returning people to their home countries, it is about Korea's ability to handle potential Ebola carriers. Make sure your essay is focused on one thesis.
You have no sources to support your evidence.
This is a persuasive essay! Your job is to persuade the reader you are right, so you must take a strong position.
Interesting essay. Here is some advice. Find professionals or journalists that agree with you and use them as supporting sources. Expand your concession. That is the most interesting part of this essay, in my opinion, because it is a real debate with interesting points on both sides. Also, one thing to consider is that when it is difficult to vote, like with the analog voting system, generally poor people are the ones who do not get to vote. This can really influence elections. Also, sometimes analog voting is not secure, too. Great start. Now add support!
Adam, this essay does not display an understanding of the classical argument. Where is your narration? Where is your refutation and concession? Actually, it seems like you've written this according to the 5 paragraph model. You've done good research, but according to the scoring rubric I cannot give you any points.
I am revising your grade and giving you 1 point. Even though you are not using the classical argument format perfectly, you have excellent research and this is a good start to your essay. Please focus on following the classical argument format in your 2nd draft.
I like your narration. The historical background of animal testing is interesting. You could improve it by describing current animal testing conditions.
Your confirmation is strong with lots of good research, but you are actually plagiarizing right now. You must learn to properly cite your sources and paraphrase the content.
2 Suggestions - You don't have a narration. Please situate your essay in modern thought and research. What are the relevant current beliefs and research about this topic?
Second, what is the implication here? What does it matter? If you are right, how is the world different?
Your introduction is a little confusing - It is broad, and the thesis isn't very debatable. I mean that no one would argue with the fact that humans are risk takers. Can you develop your thesis, make it a bit more specific and debatable?
Where is your narration?
You have good research in your confirmation.
Your refutation is very weak because no one actually argues against your belief.
This is a good research paper, but nto a good persuasive essay. Redesign your thesis sentence to be about a more disputable subject about risk taking and your essay will be much stronger.
Why do you have black text on a dark gray background?! It's so hard to read... ㅠㅠ
This statement, "This experiment done by scientists, revealed that rats which listened to classical music jave physically more developed brain." Who are the scientists? What does "more physically developed" mean? Is that a good thing?
Gayeon, you've done such a good job with this essay. I'm really impressed. Focus on properly citing your sources (Examine the information on APA style) and consider adding some anecdotes to add flavor to your essay.
Good topic, and you chose a good story in your introduction to demonstrate the value of media freedom.
I recommend only focusing on one aspect of media censorship. You can't do sports and entertainment and SNS in one essay - there is too much to talk about. How about if you focus just on Sewol? Your thesis could be, "박근혜 should not censor information about Sewol." Then your confirmation would be more targeted and persuasive.
You have a good start and a good topic, but you really need to sharpen your essay's focus, or it is too broad.
Great narration - Lots of relevant information that helps the reader understand your essay.
Your biggest area for improvement is your grammar and language. Sometimes your essay is confusing because the language is confusing. Do a self review, a peer review, check your grammarly report, talk to me, talk your other teachers. Also, start properly citing your article based on APA guidelines.
It is true, your handwriting has improved a lot, but that is not really a social skill - Communication, the language is a social skill, but handwriting is a technical skill.
Your narration is just an example of your thesis, it is not the background contextual knowledge we need to understand your argument. Also, you're saying your evolution of handwriting is comparable to Gandhi's independence movement?
I think your definition of "social evolution" is inconsistent. There is personal evolution, like your handwriting and RAIN's dancing ability, and then there is social development where an entire country is changed.
You have no research. Your thesis is unclear. You have no narration. This essay needs a lot of work in the second draft.
Your narration should put your argument in context of the modern debate about this topic. I have a question. Is there a debate about this topic? In your concession you say, " there are some opponents who argue that doing exercise only effects on human body not the brain." Who are these opponents? I've never heard someone argue with your thesis.
You need to spend some time talking about the implications to our world, too, if you are correct. What does it mean if there is a large mind-body connection with exercise? Maybe schools or businesses should enforce exercise regimens?
Also spend more time explaining and exploring these studies you mention. Theses monkey studies sound interesting. Are there human studies also?
In your narration, you say, "In the narration, I'm going to explain about why the human brain is more cleaver than any current computers. then, I'm going to summerize in the introduction. " This is not the narration's job. The narration should explain what current popular thought is about this topic. Please review the blog post about narration.
Your confirmation needs research and evidence to support your thesis.
Do Hyun, your first draft is an outline, not a real first draft. There is also no research. I'm sorry but I can't give you any points for it. Please focus on building a real essay for your second draft. Look at some of the examples from your peers if you need an example. If you need help, ask me or your Korean teachers and we will be happy to help.
I really like your blog layout! Good design choice.
I don't understand your thesis - "We have to think the relationship between the government and the journals, especially, the media censorship of the government in Social Network Service." What does "think the relationship" mean? This is a persuasive essay. Can you persuade someone to "Think the relationship between gov't and journalists?"
What is "'Dogani incident'."? Please explain it.
Your confirmation is VERY thorough. Good job. Please focus on making it more clear by reviewing it yourself, doing peer review, getting help from teachers or online.
Where is your concession?
The biggest problem with your essay is your thesis. It is unclear, and not a persuasive statement. Please review the post about thesis statements.
In your narration explain why international games are so vulnerable to epidemic spreading. Are there any historical examples of the World Cup or Olympics or Asian Games spreading an epidemic?
In your concession, try to use evidence and support to counter your opponents opinions, not just your own opinion.
Blogs are not valid sources for an academic essay. Find the sources the blog used, and then use those sources yourself. Also, don't just link us to an article, explain the article and why it is relevant to your essay and thesis.
Your thesis is weak because it is not easily debatable. Almost everyone would agree with you - Law should not restrict speech. Can you be more specific? "Free speech protects democracy" or "Restricting free speech is a form of tyranny," something that might be a newer idea for your reader?
Overall, your essay is good and it does all the parts of a classical argument. The best thing you can do to improve your piece is work on creating a consistent, academic and formal tone. That means don't use first or second person, don't ask questions, and keep your sentences short and clear.
Your narration is good, but it circular equity is very confusing for someone like me who doesn't understand economics. Can you provide some real world examples of companies doing circular equity and the repercussions? Like, has Samsung done this? What was the side effect? Because this is a very special topic that most people won't be familiar with it is important to have a clear, effective narration.
(You're saying "invent" when you mean "invest")
Your confirmation is good, and the real world examples are definitely helpful. However, explain why circular investment is so bad. Like, why is the Samsung chaebol family having power a dangerous thing? What's the problem with hurting small and medium companies? Would Daewoo still have collapsed if it had not participated in circular investing?
Spend more time developing your refutation and concession. It is not very persuasive, currently. The first problem is you never demonstrate WHY circular investing is so dangerous for Samsung, or unfair to other people. Also, I guess that a lot of the opposition comes from the Chaebol lobbies. If you could find evidence that most of the opponents are actually lobbyists trying to help the Chaebols, that would be very helpful evidence.
This is a great first draft. I look forward to reading your second one.
Very interesting thesis. It is relevant to the world today. You could improve it by suggesting HOW to change the English education system.
Great narration. You could improve it by discussing research or theories explaining why Korean students struggle with English, not just your opinions.
You're doing a fantastic job marking your sources - That will make your life easier in 2 weeks =P
You could add flavor to this essay by adding personal examples to support your essay. Normally this would not be appropriate for a formal essay, but because you have first hand experience with the Korean English education system, you can talk about your experiences. Great job so far, I look forward to seeing your second draft.
010101 Sam Landfried samteachersperformancetest.blogspot.kr
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDelete20114 Lee Boram http://20114jaebeeelle.blogspot.kr/
ReplyDeleteMock research grade:
Delete0 points
There is no meaningful research.
Rationale:
Please use the research templates to document the sources you are using.
First Draft 2 Points
DeleteI love your thesis! You take the unpopular position, and I think this will make a compelling essay.
Your narration is good because it starts targeted, focusing on a few small examples. If you could talk about the broader implications, that would help, too. Also, "There were 22 people who were willing to post the majority of their personal information online to share their ideas with another 21 people. " I think is inaccurate. It is 22 people sharing their ideas with the entire internet, isn't it?
"However, it cannot be understood how a pseudonym is different from being anonymous." You need to defend this statement very strongly, because it seems counter intuitive. Mark Twain is a pseudonym, but he is hardly anonymous.
Your concession seems difficult to believe, too. Very often people ARE attacking the author of comments or videos, not the content. It will take some compelling evidence to make your reader believe everyone is simply engaging in heated academic debate about just ideas, not ad hominem attacks,.
The majority of your essay is based on opinions, not research, as you mentioned in your evaluation. There are several other techniques to dealing with trolls used by certain websites. Some use IP tracking systems to ban offensive people, some have an actual staff of people that filter out offensive comments, some times boards can democratically vote a comment out. Perhaps those alternatives to banning anonymity are worth discussing?
Good start.
20111 Ryu nahyeon 20111ryunahyeon.blogspot.kr
ReplyDeleteMock research grade:
Delete0 points
There is no meaningful research.
Rationale or advice:
Document your sources.
First Draft 1 Point
DeleteYou are lacking a thesis statement. Remember, this is the most important sentence in your essay, so make a thesis statement!
Your narration and introduction blend together. Remember, they are two distinct parts of the essay.
In many places your tone is very combative, like you are trying to start a fight. You are trying to persuade people with logic and evidence, not threats. "However, as I mentioned before, if real Koreans, there would be nobody that raises objectives to my opinion." For example, this argument is not based on evidence and is not reasonable.
Right now your piece barely reflects the classical argument. Please review the structure of the classical argument, the thesis statement and spend more time researching this topic from reliable sources to write your second draft.
20112 Lee Gilho 20112gilho.blogspot.kr
ReplyDeleteMock research grade:
Delete3 points
The research is adequate for completing the persuasive essay.
Rationale or advice:
Good job. Keep exploring with your research.
This comment has been removed by the author.
DeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDelete20324 Han Juhee http://20324hanjuhee.blogspot.kr/
ReplyDeleteMock research grade:
Delete2 points
The research is inadequate.
Rationale or advice:
You have a good single post, and you make a good point, "Maybe I need to specify the topic a bit." This is part of the reason why we research - to learn what we need to know.
First Paragraph 2 Points
DeleteWow! Epic introduction! I love your first paragraph.
Your narration is good, too, but a bit narrow. You describe the disease brilliantly. But what about the larger social impact? Have you thoroughly explained how the black plague set the stage for the renaissance your thesis hints at?
Your confirmation is definitely the weakest part of your essay. You'll need to expand this section with relevant, reliable research and further explanation behind the concepts.
20302 Kwack Sanghoon http://20302kwacksh.blogspot.kr/
ReplyDeleteFirst Draft 1 Point
DeleteYou've chosen a really interesting topic. If you add more credible research and use facts instead of your opinion and assumptions to support your thesis you will have a very strong, interesting persuasive essay.
Your language is very confusing, in some places. Get friends to peer review your piece, or bring it to me if you would like additional corrections.
Where is your thesis?
You make a lot of assumptions - In a persuasive essay, you need facts and logic to support your thesis.
"Many famous crimes become the movie or drama." -Example?
"in the real world, the crime's rates are increasing" -Statistic?
"It's different with the normal people's bias." -What is 'normal people's bias'? What is "normal people"?
"And the criminal's mind is also filled with the guilty and the frightened."
-How do you know? Source?
Your confirmation is almost entirely based on opinions. Research!
20323 Choi Yurim http://yurimchoi20323.blogspot.kr/
ReplyDeleteMock research grade:
Delete3 points
The research is adequate for completing the persuasive essay.
Rationale or advice:
Good start. Keep looking for reliable sources (Not wikis) and keep exploring with your research.
First Draft 1 Point
DeleteWhere is your thesis? Remember, the thesis is the most important part of your essay.
You have written a good research paper, but I don't think this is a persuasive essay. Start by building a strong thesis - What do you want to persuade your readers about? Then restructure your essay based around that idea.
20320 Jeong Yubin http://20320jeongyubin.blogspot.kr/
ReplyDeleteYour blog is not publically visible. Please change your privacy options so I can read it, or invite me as a reader. Thank you.
DeleteFirst Draft 2 Points
DeleteYour intro and narration make a lot of assumptions with no research, but you've got a great thesis. Add relevant and interesting research.
Your confirmation is very strong. Focus on correcting grammar.
Your refutation is underdeveloped. Spend more time expanding the ideas about why people would disagree with you, and why they're wrong. Is there any research or examples to support those ideas?
Your conclusion mentions the implications of your argument a little bit (People can harm their self esteem) but you need to spend more time explaining why this issue is important.
20303 Kim Gaeun http://20303kimgaeun.blogspot.kr/
ReplyDeleteMock research grade:
Delete0 points
There is no meaningful research.
First Draft -1 Point
DeleteNo first draft
20307 Kim SeonHyeok http://kimmonian.blogspot.kr/
ReplyDeleteMock research grade:
Delete0 points
There is no meaningful research.
First draft 2 Points
DeleteGreat introduction. Interesting, engaging, meaningful.
"According to a research done by GlobalWebIndex, 56% of internet users feel unsafe globally because of the fact that their anonymity is not guaranteed, and 26% of the users make use of various privacy tools like history erasers to stay hidden. This shows the growing awareness of the people towards the dangers of internet, and their desire to not expose themselves to the ever-existing cyber- predators"
Or it means people are trying to hide their own behavior.
Your introduction and narration blend together and become a little repetitive. Try to condense your narration into one or two factual points with less personal narration.
It sounds like your arguing that we should allow anonymity to protect people from having their identity stolen... so are you proposing that all personal internet behavior (Like shopping or banking) be restricted? My point is, how can you shop online without revealing your identity when you pay?
Your refutation is good too, but let me suggest a stronger counter argument: There are already laws in place (At least in America) to combat anonymous internet crime (Like bullying or stalking).
@Sam Teacher
DeleteThank you for your meaningful advice! Your comment helped me clarify some vague points that my essay had.
20314 Lee yeonhong http://leeyeonhong20314.blogspot.kr/
ReplyDeleteMock research grade:
Delete2 points
The research is inadequate.
Advice:
Keep exploring research and documenting the sources that look useful.
First Draft 2 - 1 (Late) = 1
DeleteYour thesis is not very debatable - Everyone agrees, some people do follow trends. Can you think of a topic that people would argue about? Maybe, "EVERYONE follows trends."
Trend consumption psychology and the band wagon effect are very important to your essay. Make sure you're explaining them very clearly. Especially the beginning of your narration needs to be more clear and specific.
Your essay needs three things - A persuasive topic that people can argue about, and second, you need the implications of your topic. If people follow trends, so what? Why do we care? Why does it matter? Third, where is your research? Sources? Evidence?
20311 Eom Jeongmo
ReplyDeletehttp://20311eomjeongmo.blogspot.kr/
Mock research grade:
Delete0 points
There is no meaningful research.
Rationale and advice:
Right now you only have copy and pasted resource information. You need to explain the research in your own words.
First Draft 2 Points
DeleteYou've chosen a controversial and unique thesis. Good job! I think you should reword it to reflect your idea better. "Amazing" can refer to bad stuff, too. So serial killers and their brains are still amazing. Maybe you mean that human brains are amazing but sometimes do terrible things?
Where is your narration?
Why is recognizing facial expressions important?
Your refutation seems narrow minded. I can think of a dozen other counterarguments to your position. Mainly, even with imperfections, the human brain is still the most powerful computing device in existence, its operation is largely a mystery, and somehow the physical mass of grey tissue in your head makes a unique person.... That seems pretty amazing to me, even if that person is a psychopath.
20317 Lee Ju Chan http://20317leejuchan.blogspot.kr/
ReplyDeleteMock research grade:
Delete0 points
There is no meaningful research.
Rationale:
You have no research posts.
First Draft 1 Point
DeleteIt will be easier to defend your thesis if you change it to "The plague is scarier than cholera". Be careful though, this is a very subjective opinion and difficult to prove. Also, there is no implication. I mean, it does not matter if it is true or not. Spend some time trying to think of a stronger thesis with real world implications.
In your narration, why don't you describe the endemics in more detail? It would be very interesting to read and give the reader a better idea of how scary the diseases are.
The "body" is not part of a classical argument. You also are very obviously plagiarizing. You must fix this by your second draft.
20616 Lee Yeon Kyung http://20616leeyeonkyung.blogspot.kr/
ReplyDeleteMock research grade:
Delete0 points
There is no meaningful research.
Rationale:
You have no research posts.
You should be posting on Agnes Teacher's blog.
DeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDelete20301 Go Gun http://020301gogun.blogspot.kr/
ReplyDeleteMock research grade:
Delete0 points
There is no meaningful research.
Rationale:
Your research posts are more like notes. Research posts should come from a source and your thoughts about a source. I LOVE your notes and graphic organizers, but they are not what the research calls for. Please double check the grading requirements and the sample research posts.
First Draft 2 Points
Delete"there is no accurate method to shed light on the profound process of human behavior" Is a dubious claim. There are researchers who specialize in this area. You will need to mention them in your narration.
Your narration is good - It does a good job giving readers the fundamental knowledge needed to understand the rest of your essay.
" Also, think of your daily life. From getting up and eating to sleeping, most behaviors start very momentarily by the feeling of your body without reflection. It is because, emotions operate directly and primarily to influence on human before the operation of reason. Imagine your morning. Before getting up, sense of fullness that you slept enough or fear that you might get scolded later if you don't get up now come to you and make your eyes open."
^Can you find a real research example that studied that idea? It will be a lot more compelling than just telling your reader to imagine it.
You mention the implications of this - Civilizations make bad decisions based on emotion - very briefly. Can you expand this idea, and maybe leave the reader with a suggestion for how to go forward in life with this new knowledge?
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDelete20706 Kim Ji Eun http://20706kimjieun.blogspot.kr/
ReplyDeleteFirst draft 2 points
DeleteReally good job! I'm giving you two points. Your refutation and concession are very strong. You need to make sure you are using and citing sources from your research. Your grammar is also hurting your essay. Read over your essay a few more times, maybe read it out loud, and try to fix all the mistakes you can. IMPORTANT: Currently, you are plagiarizing from persuasivelitigator.com. You need to fix this ASAP.
20122 choi ji woo http://20122choijiwoo.blogspot.kr/
ReplyDeleteMock research grade:
Delete0 points
There is no meaningful research.
Rationale:
You have no research posts (Or, you have them, but they are not in the right format, and they are only copy and pasted from the internet).
First Draft 1 Point - You have all the parts of a classical argument, but your topic is not persuasive, it is just informative.
DeletePlease review the thesis lessons. You're thesis is inappropriate for a persuasive essay. You need to make a debatable statement, and "I agree that he is an altar Portraitist." is not a debatable statement.
In your narration, explain what these term you're using mean. What is an altar portratist? What is surrealism?
Can you explain why this is a significant issue? Why does it matter if Bosch is considered an altar painter or a surrrealist?
20701 Koo Min Hee http://20701koominhee.blogspot.kr/
ReplyDeleteFirst Draft 2 Points
DeleteThis is a really interesting start. I like your introduction and narration. In the narration, I think you should explain how language helps humans survive, though. Like, why does language make hunting, and therefore survival, easier? Also, you need legitimate sources to support your thesis. Research! Last, but IMPORTANT you are currently plagiarizing. Fix it before the second draft, please.
20721 정태준 http://20721jeongtaejoon.blogspot.kr/
ReplyDelete2 points
DeleteA lot of your essay is plagiarized. Focus on properly citing your work. Also, what are the implications of this argument? If human beings are evolving... What does that mean? Why should we care? This belongs in the narration.
20711 Bae hong geun http://020711baehonggeun.blogspot.kr/
ReplyDeleteFirst Draft 2 Point
DeleteYour introduction's organization is strange... You start describing why people DO need protection from the internet, then your thesis is people DO NOT need protection. Keep your arguments and tone consistent.
Your narration seems like part of the confirmation, too. It is just arguments supporting your thesis. Your narration should be give background information about the topic for the reader to understand it better.
Your confirmation has no support from reliable sources.
Good start, but you really need to review the classical argument to make sure your essay matches it.
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDelete20715 Yi Na Rae https://20715yinarae.blogspot.com
DeleteFirst Draft 1 Point
DeleteYou're right, your essay does need a lot of grammatical improvement before the second draft. However, you've chosen a very interesting topic, and I think you'll have a very strong essay if you finish this piece. Please review the classical argument, and make sure you have all 5 parts. Currently your conclusion and refutation are combined. I think your narration is actually your strongest part, because when you tell us about all the problems with safety in the Korean past it makes it very clear WHY this is an important topic.
20710 Bang Ga Yeon http://mch20710banggayeon.blogspot.kr/
ReplyDeleteFirst draft 2 points
DeleteBecause I can see you've spent time researching and exploring this idea, I am giving you 2 points for your first draft. However, you have a lot of room for improvement in the second draft. Spend extra time checking the logical strength between your arguments.
Your thesis is too broad. "Classical music has an effect on humans." No one can debate this point, and no one would disagree, so it is not appropriate for a persuasive argument. Be specific - What kind of effect?
Your confirmation is strong. You have lots of good sources to support your claims.
Your refutation is very weak. A disabled person is not a good example of people in general. Try to find some broader counterarguments to your position (It is easy to find them).
20503 Kwon Yewon http://20503kwonyewon.blogspot.kr/
ReplyDeleteMock research grade:
Delete3 points
The research is adequate for completing the persuasive essay.
Rationale:
Good start, but you need more exploration. Also, your final thoughts should reflect the research you did.
First Draft 1 Point
DeleteWhere is your thesis? A thesis will be a statement about your topic. You only have questions!
In your narration, instead of describing SNS, describe SNS and diplomacy, their relationship. How has SNS affected diplomacy? How have diplomats used SNS?
Your essay is based on your opinions, not actual research. Find evidence to support your thesis. I recommend making your thesis more specific, too. What form of SNS is best for diplomacy? What type of diplomacy is best for SNS?
Yewon, I wrote this feedback after you posted your newest first draft. My feedback and the grade is still applicable.
Delete20121 최정윤 http://sandy970708.blogspot.kr/
ReplyDeleteMock research grade:
Delete3 points
The research is adequate for completing the persuasive essay.
Rationale:
Good first research. Keep looking for more sources that will be helpful.
First Draft 2 Points
DeleteHow can information on the internet harm you? I don't understand that part of your introduction.
Children being bullied is a serious issue, but it doesn't match your thesis. That is not information hurting people, that is other people hurting people.
Your examples of people suffering internet attacks are interesting, but they need more context. Who was this business man that was attacked? What's your source?
Your examples of Harris and Klebold and the abortion doctors are good, but they deserve their own paragraphs. Also, are you saying Harris and Klebold committed murders BECAUSE of the internet? Explain your reasoning, please.
"Moreover, one of the biggest reasons for the increase of sexual abuse is that internet users are exposed to unwanted sexual information, such as sexual solicitation, pornography, etc. " Do you have any evidence for this?
This is a well researched and interesting essay. You have some persuasive examples arguing for regulation, too. I recommend focusing on ONE aspect of internet regulation, though. Fighting bullies, rumors, violence, identity theft - One of those, not all of them. It will make it easier to make a strongly compelling case.
20717 Lee Young Jin http://michuholleeyj.blogspot.kr/
ReplyDeleteFirst Draft 2 Points
DeleteYour introduction should flow more naturally into your thesis. You start with many questions and uncertainties, then make a strong conclusion in your thesis statement. Your introduction should prepare the reader to hear your thesis.
Good narration - I like the background on lie detectors. It would be really interesting if you talked a bit about some of the phonies who claimed they could detect criminals through things like palm-reading or hand-writing. Just an idea.
GREAT confirmation - A lot of detailed research and thorough explanation.
Your refutations can be improved. You chose good counterarguments to your position, but you don't tell us why those counterarguments are wrong. Can you calculate how much repeat offending criminals cost? I assume Korea spends a lot more than 2,000,000$ on them.
20507 Roh Ha Eun http://20507rohhaeun.blogspot.kr/
ReplyDeleteMock research grade:
Delete0 points
There is no meaningful research.
Rationale:
You have no research posts.
First Draft 2 Points
DeleteGreat thesis! It is clear, interesting and debatable. Your introduction is very informal, though. Reread the introduction instructions and try to make it stronger.
You need to connect your confirmation to your thesis better. How does ability grouping affect happiness? How does standardized testing relate to ability grouping? Is your essay about student happiness or ability grouping or what? You need to focus on one of these points to write a very strong essay.
Great start. Focus on targeting your essay towards supporting your thesis, and it will be very strong.
20819 josuhyeon http://20819josuhyeon.blogspot.kr/
ReplyDeleteHi! I think you should be posting on Agnes Teacher's blog ~
Delete20504 권은정 Kwon Eun jeong http://020504kwoneunjeong.blogspot.com
ReplyDeleteMock research grade:
Delete0 points
There is no meaningful research.
Rationale:
You have no research posts.
First Draft 1 Point
DeletePlagiarized. Fix it.
You have no concession and refutation.
Do you think anyone will disagree with your thesis? I think everyone will agree with your thesis, which means it is hard to write a persuasive essay about it. Can you talk specifically about a certain part of the internet that is good at sharing culture? Maybe, "Youtube is the best online platform for sharing culture," or something like that. Also, what is the implication of your thesis? Why does it matter if the internet is good at sharing culture or not? Or you could write specifically about the Connecting Classroom programs: "Connecting Classrooms is a successful model for sharing culture online."
Right now your essay is not following the classical argument format, and it is not written on a persuasive topic. You'll need to do a lot of work for the second draft.
20524 한지수 Han Ji Su http://020524hanjisu.blogspot.kr/
ReplyDeleteMock research grade:
Delete0 points
There is no meaningful research.
Rationale:
You have no research posts.
First Draft 2 Points
DeleteThis is an ambitious thesis! I'm curious to see your confirmation...
Where is your narration?
Is the Descartes argument that anything I can imagine is true? For example, I can imagine I am a giraffe that knows how to skateboard, but, sadly, that is not true
You use these terms like "mind-body dualism" and "physicalism". What are those? Explain them in your narration, and any research or common popular ideas about them.
You do a good job taking a metaphysical discussion and applying physical measures and research to it. I think you need to discuss the implications of this argument for your essay to become more powerful. If the mind and body are distinct, so what? How does that change our lives?
20522 주은정 Ju Eun jeong http:// 020522joolujoo.blogspot.com
ReplyDeleteMock research grade:
Delete0 points
There is no meaningful research.
Rationale:
You have no research posts. Please look at my example research post. http://samteachersperformancetest.blogspot.kr/search/label/example
First Draft 2 Points
DeleteGood thesis! Unique and surprising.
Your narration is insufficient. Tell us about who uses SNS, why they use it, what other research says about SNS and loneliness.
Your first confirmation point is not unique to SNS. Doesn't the same thing happen in face to face life?
" "human trafficking is serious in xx city!" "Prostitution of children happen in xx school.." Why is this false?
Your refutation doesn't have support. After using SNS, people feel more lonely in the real world? Do you have evidence?
Why does failed communication make you lonely? Why does comparing yourself with others make you lonely? You need to connect these ideas to your thesis OR modify your thesis. Focus on one of these ideas - Comparison with others or loneliness. They're different ideas, and it is difficult to defend two ideas in one essay.
20511 백해진 Back hae jin 20511backhaejin.blogspot.com
ReplyDeleteMock research grade:
Delete0 points
There is no meaningful research.
Rationale:
You have no research posts.
First Draft 2 Points
DeleteStrong introduction - Direct, clear, factual, persuasive.
Good narration - Explains why the issue is important, and proves that there is a problem.
I think this is a strong essay. Here is some advice: Most of your evidence is about the media's influence on purchasing, but one of your examples is about women changing their standard of beauty - that is not related to purchasing decisions.
Why is the media influencing purchasing decisions a bad thing? Or, why is it a dangerous thing? Please spend some time discussing why we need a careful eye.
Last, what IS "a critical eye"? What does your advice really mean?
20219 정의현 Jeong Ui Hyeon 20219 jeonguihyeon.blogspot.com
ReplyDeleteMock research grade:
Delete0 points
There is no meaningful research.
Rationale:
You have no research posts.
First Draft 0 Points
DeleteInsufficient. Your thesis is good though. I look forward to seeing your finished second draft.
Also, you should post your blog domain in Agnes Teacher's blog, not here.
Delete20716 Lee Do Eun http://20716leedoeun.blogspot.kr/
ReplyDeleteFirst Draft 1 Point
DeleteTo improve your essay you need to make sure you are using the classical argument format, and that you are supporting your thesis with evidence.
Introduction - Your thesis should be more specific. In what way should the law system be changed?
I don't see your narration - Did you write one?
Confirmation is good, but it is based mostly on your beliefs and claims without support from good sources.
I wrote my narration in my blog.
DeleteThank you for comment!!!!!!!!!!!!
But it needs to be in your first draft...
DeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDelete20124 황정현 http://20124hwangjeonghyun.blogspot.kr/
ReplyDeleteMock research grade:
Delete0 points
There is no meaningful research.
Rationale:
You have no research posts.
First Draft -1 Point
DeleteYou have no first draft. You are very far behind. If you need help, please ask me or your Korean teacher.
20107 문성주 http://20107moonseongju.blogspot.kr/
ReplyDeleteMock research grade:
Delete2 points
The research is inadequate.
Rationale:
You have found some sources, but they are not useful to your topic, and the "notes" you've taken are just copied from the websites. Please use your own words.
First Draft 1 Point
DeleteYou have a good thesis, but you are missing several key elements of the classical argument. Wheres your concession? Your conclusion is weak. Try to review the conclusion instructions to improve it.
Also, because you use questions and the second person ("You") so much, your essay seems very informal. Please work on improving the formal tone of your essay.
The formatting is so confusing! Your font sizes are different, your colors are different. It makes it very difficult to read. Please make your formatting consistent.
20117 이준우 20117leejunwoo.blogspot.com
ReplyDeleteMock research grade:
Delete4 points
The research displays a clear, reasoned evolution from beginning to end. The student is committed to finding useful sources.
Advice:
Your idea to look for information from opposite perspectives is a good idea. Continue documenting your resources.
First Draft 1 Point
DeleteThis is extremely plagiarized. Focus on attributing your sources and avoiding plagiarism in your second draft.
20104 김채연 http://chaeyeon971227.blogspot.kr/
ReplyDeleteMock research grade:
Delete0 points
There is no meaningful research.
Rationale:
You have no research posts. Please use the model research posts and use your own words and ideas. http://samteachersperformancetest.blogspot.kr/search/label/example
First Draft 2 Points - 1 (Late) = 1 Point
DeleteYour narration is very thorough. Add details about modern day education, though. What is modern Korean education? How do we measure effectiveness and satisfaction? (How did Korea get ranked number 2 and 39th?)
The best improvement you can make to your essay is adding research and supporting to details to prove your thesis. Currently you have no convincing evidence.
20308 김연수 http://20308kimyeonsoo.blogspot.kr/
ReplyDeleteMock research grade:
Delete2 points
The research is inadequate.
Rationale:
You have a very good source, but you need more information and research to help your persuasive essay.
First draft 2 points
DeleteI like your introduction and narration. You do a good job explaining the history of the registration number, and why it is causing problems.
Your confirmation is based mostly on your opinions, not research. Spend time researching to develop your confirmation.
Your refutation seems weak - The only counterargument you can think of is that people want to recover their password? I'm sure there are stronger, more realistic counterarguments. Try to think of those, and your essay will be stronger for it.
20306 김보영 http://20306kimboyoung.blogspot.kr/
ReplyDeleteMock research grade:
Delete2 points
The research is inadequate.
Rationale:
Your notes section should be your thoughts on useful information in your own words.
First Draft 2 Points
DeleteTry to make your introduction match your thesis. Right now, your introduction says, "I don't know if anonymity is good or bad. But internet anonymity is good."
Your narration is interesting. Can you add some examples or research from modern times, though? Specifically, the history of anonymity on the internet, and why that is different than a woman author using a pseudonym?
Try emphasizing why internet anonymity is helpful. Why is posting opinions anonymously valuable? If we take that away, what happens? What is the cost?
20313 이민수http://20313leeminsoo.blogspot.kr/
ReplyDeleteMock research grade:
Delete0 points
There is no meaningful research.
First Draft -1 Point
DeleteYour blog has no posts. Did you share the correct address? If you are having problems, please talk to me or your Korean teacher.
20702 국승현(Kook) http://20702kook.blogspot.kr/
ReplyDeleteFirst Draft 2 Points
DeleteVery interesting stuff. In your narration, what year were sabermetrics introduced? What do FIP, BABIP stand for? You can make the real life examples stronger by giving actual statistics. His stats went from what to what?
The weakest part of your essay is your confirmation. You only have one example supporting your thesis. More research!
20304 김규민(Kim kyu min) http://20304kimkyumin.blogspot.com
ReplyDeleteMock research grade:
Delete0 points
There is no meaningful research.
Rationale:
Your first research post looks interesting, but it is in the wrong format. Please use one source per research post, and please use the example research post as a model: http://samteachersperformancetest.blogspot.kr/search/label/example
First Draft 1 Point
DeleteYou chose a great thesis and a very interesting topic. Your narration needs more information, though. What is the history of e sports? What is the definition of a sport? Who are the organizations arguing that e sports are sports? Who are the opponents?
Your confirmation is entirely based on your opinion. You need research and evidence to support your confirmation.
Your concession is just a summary of your confirmation. Please revisit the instructions on how to write a concession.
In your conclusion (And your introduction or narration) tell us why this matters. Why should anyone care if e sports are labeled as a sport or not?
This is an exciting essay and could be very strong if you develop it in the way I'm suggesting.
Mock research grade:
ReplyDelete4 points
The research displays a clear, reasoned evolution from beginning to end. The student is committed to finding useful sources..
Rationale:
I can see how your thinking is changing and how your research is evolving. Good job.
20518 이정민(Lee Jeong-min) 020518charlotte2e.blogspot.com
ReplyDeleteFirst Draft 2 Points
DeleteInteresting thesis!
This is a really fantastic start. Your narration is strong, and your confirmation is well developed. Now focus on citing your examples and sources so we can see the evidence for your claims. Make sure that you are using reputable sources, too.
For example, "7.http://educationinjapan.wordpress.com/2012/11/22/internet-addiction-hospital-program-in-kanagawa-over-70-patients-were-junior-high-or-high-school-students-most-of-them-boys-internet-addiction-fast-becoming-the-top-problem-of-youths-across-wir/" is just a blog. Find the source this author used, then use that instead.
20514 이광수 (LeeKwangSoo) http://20514leekwangsoo.blogspot.kr/
ReplyDeleteFirst Draft 0 Points
DeleteThis is entirely plagiarized. You have no meaningful research on your blog. Your second draft is due Number 16 and you've made almost no progress towards accomplishing that. If you need help, you can ask me, a peer or your Korean teacher.
20523 최영민 (Choi Young Min)
ReplyDeletehttp://020523choiyoungmin.blogspot.kr/
First Draft 2 Points
DeleteVery interesting and unique thesis.
Where is your narration? You start with a refutation - Please review the structure of a classical argument.
You wrote an interesting and unique essay - Good job. However, instead of asking your reader to read an article, summarize the relevant parts for them and include them in your essay. Also, instead of saying following the tenets of soccer will improve the world, choose one area that the world can improve in and focus on proving that point. your essay will be easier to read and more believable. Personally, I think creating diversity and tolerance is the most compelling argument of yours.
You have a lot of work to do for the second draft, but I think you're making great progress.
20509 박상후 (Park Sang Hoo)
ReplyDeletehttp://gntkdqkr.blogspot.kr/
First Draft 1 Point
DeleteI like your thesis and your essay, but it is based on opinions almost entirely. You need support and research to make your argument persuasive. In your concession, instead of talking about parents, why don't you find a group that actually protests music and debate their position?
You've chosen a great topic, and have some great ideas about it, you just need to add the evidence and details that will support your thesis.
I recommend focusing on how the Korean gov't censored music for political reasons. That is interesting and a compelling argument for freedom of expression in music.
Also, some parts are plagiarized. Make sure you fix that by the second draft.
20703 김예림 (Kim Ye Lim)
ReplyDelete20703kimyelim.blogspot.com
First Draft 1 Point
DeleteYour introduction is too broad. You discuss crime rates, rapidly expanding technology and freedom of expression. Each one of those could be the topic of an essay. Focus on one idea from the very beginning.
You are currently plagiarizing. Fix this by the second draft.
Your confirmation does not have supporting evidence, and you squeezed your refutation and conclusion together. Separate them, and give each one enough attention.
020521choeunsol.blogspot.com
ReplyDeleteFirst Draft 2 Points
DeleteYou have a strong introduction, but your thesis is not very debatable. Nobody thinks language is innate. We all know if you grow up in an English speaking country you speak English, and if you grow up in a Korean speaking country you speak Korean.
I think you're misrepresenting Chomsky's argument slightly... he is not saying that humans possess a language innately, he is saying they possess the ability to learn a language (any language) innately. Is that incompatible with behaviorism? Also, he argues that the ability to learn to speak and understand languages is innate, not the ability to read and write.
Where is your concession?
This is a fascinating piece. Great job. Research Chomsky and Skinner a little bit more, it will benefit your argument. You might need to reconfigure your thesis slightly, but this is a great start. You should be proud.
20502 구병모(Koo Byoung Mo)
ReplyDeletehttp://020502koobyoungmo.blogspot.kr/
First Draft 1 Point
DeleteI think your self evaluation was totally correct. You have a strong grasp of the classical argument, but you lack research and evidence to support your opinion. Use the next 10 days to focus on adding relevant and persuasive research to your essay.
20708 김효정 Kim Hyo Jeong
ReplyDeletehttp://20708hyojeong.blogspot.com/
First Draft 1 Point
DeleteYour confirmation has no research to support your thesis! I think you need evidence that lie detectors are inaccurate. Spend more time researching and incorporating that into your essay.
In your second draft, focus on correcting your grammar and using formal style.
Impressive debate skills. I'll give you 2 points.
Delete020318 이현영 (Lee hyun young)
ReplyDeletehttp://020318alaalakoala.blogspot.kr/
First Draft 1 Point
Delete"I think It is valuable to discuss whether the infectious patient have to be returned to their country." But this is a persuasive essay - you need an appropriate thesis.
Where is your narration?
Your confirmation is not related to returning people to their home countries, it is about Korea's ability to handle potential Ebola carriers. Make sure your essay is focused on one thesis.
You have no sources to support your evidence.
This is a persuasive essay! Your job is to persuade the reader you are right, so you must take a strong position.
20101 강민중
ReplyDeletehttp://20101kangminjung.blogspot.kr/
First Draft 2 Points
DeleteInteresting essay. Here is some advice. Find professionals or journalists that agree with you and use them as supporting sources. Expand your concession. That is the most interesting part of this essay, in my opinion, because it is a real debate with interesting points on both sides. Also, one thing to consider is that when it is difficult to vote, like with the analog voting system, generally poor people are the ones who do not get to vote. This can really influence elections. Also, sometimes analog voting is not secure, too. Great start. Now add support!
20321 조예성
ReplyDeletehttp://20321joyeasung.blogspot.kr/
First Draft 1 Point
DeleteYour introduction is good - It is smart to compare online interactions with face to face interactions like that.
The rest of your essay is very underdeveloped, and you are not including reliable evidence and research to support your position.
You need to spent a lot more time creating a strong second draft with all the parts blended together.
http://20709parkdaegyeong.blogspot.kr/
ReplyDelete20709 박대경
First Draft 0 Points
DeleteAdam, this essay does not display an understanding of the classical argument. Where is your narration? Where is your refutation and concession? Actually, it seems like you've written this according to the 5 paragraph model. You've done good research, but according to the scoring rubric I cannot give you any points.
I am revising your grade and giving you 1 point. Even though you are not using the classical argument format perfectly, you have excellent research and this is a good start to your essay. Please focus on following the classical argument format in your 2nd draft.
Delete20312 오다은 Oh Da-Eun
ReplyDeletehttp://20312oh.blogspot.kr/
First Draft 2 Points
DeleteGreat thesis! Unique and interesting.
What are the real world implications of this idea? How does the current generation of adults or teenagers reflect what they learned from Disney?
You mention reading articles and research - Show us that research! Your essay will be much stronger if you include your sources.
Great start.
20707 김한별
ReplyDelete20707hanbyeoliii.blogspot.com
First Draft 2 Points
DeleteI like your narration. The historical background of animal testing is interesting. You could improve it by describing current animal testing conditions.
Your confirmation is strong with lots of good research, but you are actually plagiarizing right now. You must learn to properly cite your sources and paraphrase the content.
20120조윤지
ReplyDeletehttp://20120choyunji.blogspot.kr/
First Draft 2 Points
DeleteGreat! Your topic is good, your research is good, you're on the right track
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2 Suggestions - You don't have a narration. Please situate your essay in modern thought and research. What are the relevant current beliefs and research about this topic?
Second, what is the implication here? What does it matter? If you are right, how is the world different?
20211 Yeom Ha Neul
ReplyDeletehttp://20211yeomhaneul.blogspot.kr/
Hi, this is the area for my students - I think you should be posting on Agnes Teacher's blog.
Deletehttp://maisieteachersperformancetest.blogspot.com/2014/08/post-your-blog-addressurldomain-please.html
20705 KimInAe
ReplyDeletehttp://20705kiminae.blogspot.kr/
First Draft 1 Point
DeleteYour introduction is a little confusing - It is broad, and the thesis isn't very debatable. I mean that no one would argue with the fact that humans are risk takers. Can you develop your thesis, make it a bit more specific and debatable?
Where is your narration?
You have good research in your confirmation.
Your refutation is very weak because no one actually argues against your belief.
This is a good research paper, but nto a good persuasive essay. Redesign your thesis sentence to be about a more disputable subject about risk taking and your essay will be much stronger.
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDelete20710 Bang Ga Yeon
ReplyDeletehttp://mch20710banggayeon.blogspot.kr/
First Draft 2 Points
DeleteWhy do you have black text on a dark gray background?! It's so hard to read... ㅠㅠ
This statement, "This experiment done by scientists, revealed that rats which listened to classical music jave physically more developed brain." Who are the scientists? What does "more physically developed" mean? Is that a good thing?
Gayeon, you've done such a good job with this essay. I'm really impressed. Focus on properly citing your sources (Examine the information on APA style) and consider adding some anecdotes to add flavor to your essay.
Why did you post this twice... I think both feedbacks are correct.
DeleteSorry,, I didn't know that I posted twice,,,ㅠㅠ
Deletehttp://mch20720jangsehee.blogspot.kr/
ReplyDelete20720 Jang Se Hee
First Draft 2 Points
DeleteGood topic, and you chose a good story in your introduction to demonstrate the value of media freedom.
I recommend only focusing on one aspect of media censorship. You can't do sports and entertainment and SNS in one essay - there is too much to talk about. How about if you focus just on Sewol? Your thesis could be, "박근혜 should not censor information about Sewol." Then your confirmation would be more targeted and persuasive.
You have a good start and a good topic, but you really need to sharpen your essay's focus, or it is too broad.
Thank you :)
Delete20719 Yi Jin Woo
ReplyDeletehttp://jinwoolee97.blogspot.kr/
First Draft 2 Points
DeleteGreat narration - Lots of relevant information that helps the reader understand your essay.
Your biggest area for improvement is your grammar and language. Sometimes your essay is confusing because the language is confusing. Do a self review, a peer review, check your grammarly report, talk to me, talk your other teachers. Also, start properly citing your article based on APA guidelines.
Thanks A lot!! >_<
Delete20714 Ryu Yun Seon
ReplyDeletehttp://20714ryuyunseon.blogspot.kr/
First Draft 1 Point
DeleteIt is true, your handwriting has improved a lot, but that is not really a social skill - Communication, the language is a social skill, but handwriting is a technical skill.
Your narration is just an example of your thesis, it is not the background contextual knowledge we need to understand your argument. Also, you're saying your evolution of handwriting is comparable to Gandhi's independence movement?
I think your definition of "social evolution" is inconsistent. There is personal evolution, like your handwriting and RAIN's dancing ability, and then there is social development where an entire country is changed.
You have no research. Your thesis is unclear. You have no narration. This essay needs a lot of work in the second draft.
20712 오도윤 http://20712ohdoyun.blogspot.kr/
ReplyDeleteFirst Draft 1 Point
DeleteYour narration should put your argument in context of the modern debate about this topic. I have a question. Is there a debate about this topic? In your concession you say, " there are some opponents who argue that doing exercise only effects on human body not the brain." Who are these opponents? I've never heard someone argue with your thesis.
You need to spend some time talking about the implications to our world, too, if you are correct. What does it mean if there is a large mind-body connection with exercise? Maybe schools or businesses should enforce exercise regimens?
Also spend more time explaining and exploring these studies you mention. Theses monkey studies sound interesting. Are there human studies also?
20722 Do Hyun Cho
ReplyDeletehttp://98dohyun.blogspot.com
First Draft 0 Points
DeleteIn your narration, you say, "In the narration, I'm going to explain about why the human brain is more cleaver than any current computers. then, I'm going to summerize in the introduction. " This is not the narration's job. The narration should explain what current popular thought is about this topic. Please review the blog post about narration.
Your confirmation needs research and evidence to support your thesis.
Do Hyun, your first draft is an outline, not a real first draft. There is also no research. I'm sorry but I can't give you any points for it. Please focus on building a real essay for your second draft. Look at some of the examples from your peers if you need an example. If you need help, ask me or your Korean teachers and we will be happy to help.
20310 문예지 Moon Ye Ji
ReplyDeletehttp://20310yejiyoyo.blogspot.kr/
First Draft 2 Points
DeleteI really like your blog layout! Good design choice.
I don't understand your thesis - "We have to think the relationship between the government and the journals, especially, the media censorship of the government in Social Network Service." What does "think the relationship" mean? This is a persuasive essay. Can you persuade someone to "Think the relationship between gov't and journalists?"
What is "'Dogani incident'."? Please explain it.
Your confirmation is VERY thorough. Good job. Please focus on making it more clear by reviewing it yourself, doing peer review, getting help from teachers or online.
Where is your concession?
The biggest problem with your essay is your thesis. It is unclear, and not a persuasive statement. Please review the post about thesis statements.
20305 김민정 Kim Min Jeong
ReplyDeletehttp://20305kimminjeong.blogspot.kr/
First Draft 2 Points
DeleteIn your narration explain why international games are so vulnerable to epidemic spreading. Are there any historical examples of the World Cup or Olympics or Asian Games spreading an epidemic?
In your concession, try to use evidence and support to counter your opponents opinions, not just your own opinion.
Blogs are not valid sources for an academic essay. Find the sources the blog used, and then use those sources yourself. Also, don't just link us to an article, explain the article and why it is relevant to your essay and thesis.
First Draft 2 Points
ReplyDeleteYour thesis is weak because it is not easily debatable. Almost everyone would agree with you - Law should not restrict speech. Can you be more specific? "Free speech protects democracy" or "Restricting free speech is a form of tyranny," something that might be a newer idea for your reader?
Overall, your essay is good and it does all the parts of a classical argument. The best thing you can do to improve your piece is work on creating a consistent, academic and formal tone. That means don't use first or second person, don't ask questions, and keep your sentences short and clear.
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDelete20516 이은기 Lee Eun Ki
ReplyDeletehttp://020516leeeunki.blogspot.kr
I'm sorry for sharing wrong blog address
First Draft 2 Points
DeleteNo problem 은기, thanks for reposting.
Your narration is good, but it circular equity is very confusing for someone like me who doesn't understand economics. Can you provide some real world examples of companies doing circular equity and the repercussions? Like, has Samsung done this? What was the side effect? Because this is a very special topic that most people won't be familiar with it is important to have a clear, effective narration.
(You're saying "invent" when you mean "invest")
Your confirmation is good, and the real world examples are definitely helpful. However, explain why circular investment is so bad. Like, why is the Samsung chaebol family having power a dangerous thing? What's the problem with hurting small and medium companies? Would Daewoo still have collapsed if it had not participated in circular investing?
Spend more time developing your refutation and concession. It is not very persuasive, currently. The first problem is you never demonstrate WHY circular investing is so dangerous for Samsung, or unfair to other people. Also, I guess that a lot of the opposition comes from the Chaebol lobbies. If you could find evidence that most of the opponents are actually lobbyists trying to help the Chaebols, that would be very helpful evidence.
This is a great first draft. I look forward to reading your second one.
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDelete20508 민효민 Min Hyomin
ReplyDeletehttp://venusgalaxy1022.blogspot.kr/
First Draft 2 Points
DeleteVery interesting thesis. It is relevant to the world today. You could improve it by suggesting HOW to change the English education system.
Great narration. You could improve it by discussing research or theories explaining why Korean students struggle with English, not just your opinions.
You're doing a fantastic job marking your sources - That will make your life easier in 2 weeks =P
You could add flavor to this essay by adding personal examples to support your essay. Normally this would not be appropriate for a formal essay, but because you have first hand experience with the Korean English education system, you can talk about your experiences. Great job so far, I look forward to seeing your second draft.
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDelete20515 Lee kyu sang 이규상
ReplyDeletehttp://020515leekyusang.blogspot.kr
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDelete20510 박유진 Park you jin
ReplyDeletehttp://020510parkyoujin.blogspot.kr/
20517이은성 Lee Eunsung
ReplyDeletehttp://20517eunsung.blogspot.kr
20513 이경락
ReplyDeletehttp://020513leegyeongrak.blogspot.com
020512 You, Byung kyu
ReplyDeletehttp://020512youbyungkyu.blogspot.com/
20506 김태우 Kim Tae Woo
ReplyDelete20506kimtaewoo.blogspot.com
20520 정회윤 Hoeyun Jeong
ReplyDeletehttp://020520jeonghoeyun.blogspot.kr/
20713 유서영
ReplyDeletehttp://20713yuseoyoung.blogspot.kr/